Mystery Ilness

Time to come clean and maybe in coming clean I'll relieve some pent up frustration and aggravation. 

It started around February, these bouts of sudden exhaustion that would come out of nowhere and have me wanting to sleep. They also made my brain fuzzy. I chalked it up to the stress of school and trudged onward. In April I began having more problems and I remember remarking to an instructor, "My brain knows what needs to be done, but it's like my body won't cooperate."

Continued trudging onward until I graduated and was relieved. The stress started to evaporate and I thought I would feel better. But, no, it was still there. It's also gotten progressively worse and I started noticing other trends. The hair loss, the cold intolerance, and I won't bore you with the long list of things. 

Finally it got so bad the last couple weeks, I went in to see the doctor. I thought maybe I was just going crazy. (apparently paranoia is part of what's going on) The look on the doctor's face when I listed my symptoms made me feel a little better. I wasn't crazy and they were real symptoms. 

It's still a mystery illness for now but it's dragging me down and causing me all sorts of headaches - literally and figuratively. I just had a series of blood tests yesterday so I'm hoping to have results next week. 

So why write all this down? Why tell random strangers (possibly) about this mystery illness?

Because I have to tell someone. When I get ill like this, I hide it. I'm like a wounded cat. I'll slink away and hide from everyone. I won't tell anyone what's really going on and I know that hurts some people's feelings. It can't be helped, it's who I am. I won't reveal a vulnerability and I also hate hearing "Oh try this, maybe it's this, maybe it's that...". No offense but playing down what's going on with me doesn't make me feel better. I know something is wrong and not in the "Oh it's just a bug, it'll go away in a little bit" way. 

Unfortunately, I've also been feeling paranoid and down. Not sure if that's a direct effect of the mystery illness or caused by how I feel about it?? Either way, I'm feeling like everyone is out to get me and life will never work. Thankfully these come in small bits and I know it's not true. But, if you catch me in one of those moments, don't take it personally. I can't seem to help it. 

As for writing. It's incredibly hard to focus on it. Everything of mine I write or read, I end up judging harshly and I've just been too tired to really put much effort into it. Seriously, when my brain stalls out on the simplest of words or tasks, it's kind of hard to put focus into writing. 

I'm also sporting a seriously short leash on my patience and bullshit tolerance. So avoiding people tends to help avoid a backlash of bad temper. And my temper is really ugly when it gets going. Needless to say I'm probably not fit for company anyhow, but is what part of my brain is talking now?